The Perfectionist
Elena, 38, is a marketing manager who prides herself on being responsible and thorough. At work, she completes each task with diligence and has always been praised for going the extra mile. When a new director joined the company and began favoring quick, flashy work over her careful approach, Elena felt an unexpected surge of irritation and helplessness. She tells herself it’s just about “bad management,” but beneath the surface, she feels a familiar sting that she can’t quite put into words. Lately, her sleep has been restless, her mood irritable and anxious, and she’s found herself daydreaming about quitting—while also feeling guilty for wanting to.
Growing up, she was often praised for being “the responsible one” in her family. She was always expected to have a perfect report card. Her parents would say little more than “good job” before moving on to whatever else they were doing. If she ever demonstrated less than perfect performance—even something as small as receiving an B—they would criticize her. As a child, she learned to expect that love and approval were earned through responsibility and hard work. Sloppy work was simply out of the question. Yet she often said how much she respected her parents for instilling in her a strong work ethic.
For Elena, there is a particular unconscious template for interactions with authority figures: she only feels “enough” when she performs well. She likely harbors deep, conflicting feelings toward her parents—on the one hand, a longing for love and acceptance that seemed to be awarded rather than given unconditionally, and on the other, resentment for their emotional distance. The tension between her need for approval and fear of rejection maintains her anxiety and restlessness. The new director’s disregard for her efforts was the perfect trigger for her unresolved inner conflict between longing and resentment toward an authority figure.
If Elena had ever expressed anger toward her parents, she might have risked losing their praise—and therefore, their love. Yet anger does not simply evaporate. Over time, she learned to keep her anger at bay by suppressing it or channeling it into overperformance and perfectionism. It’s possible she has become more conscious of her frustration with the director because the stakes are lower: she could find another job if needed, but she can’t find new parents.
Helping Elena could involve a combination of approaches. From a biological perspective, medication may help alleviate her emotional and physical symptoms of anxiety, irritability, and difficulty sleeping. As her mind begins to settle, she may be better able to tolerate deeper psychological work. In therapy, exploring her patterns could help her recognize how her drive for perfectionism serves both as a defense against rejection and as a way of perpetuating earlier dynamics rather than resolving them. By doing so, she can begin to create space for a more authentic and self-compassionate way of relating to work and authority.
